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Is this good? It's the beginning of a story I was thinking of.?

I'm just a kid, but I like to write and I want to know how I can improve and what I should keep writing. Thanks! Emmy, half-asleep on the couch, was watching Vacation with the Howes, one of her favorite movies, on a hot summer day. If you saw her, you might wonder why she wasn’t outside with the other thirteen-year-olds, but she had her reasons. Darren (her little brother), once again, had done something he was told not to do and he was not aloud outside. Emmy’s mother was out in the garden, picking flowers and vegetables for her shop and no matter where he was, Darren had to be watched because of his habit of getting in trouble. Why can’t he just go outside with Mom? Emmy wondered. He is only five. Does she really expect him to always be a little angel? By the way, It’s way more boring picking flowers then it is to be in the house with T.V., internet access, and a 13-year-old girl, or should I say slave who has been told to play the part of a storyteller, a playmate, a chef, and more if asked by the punished monster they call a human. Her mother was taking a very long time in the garden. Emmy noticed this because her movie was almost over. Usually she didn’t have to watch Darren that long because her mother didn’t take very long in the garden. She was fast with her hands just like her daughter and watering plants, harvesting plants, and giving plants Nutral, a natural liquid with nutrients that she made herself and sold in her shop as well would only take her half an hour at the most, even with her humongous garden that took up most of the gigantic yard. Emmy decided that everything was just fine and she waited for a song to finish the movie. Emmy heard a loud cry. Darren was running outside, as his mother told him not to do, when he knocked something over. The door slammed and Emmy jumped up. It became very hot and all that she could see was red and orange. Emmy couldn’t move, and even if she could, flames were surrounding her on all sides, so she wouldn’t be able to get out. Al Emmy could think was, "I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die." By the time any help came, she would be long gone. The fire was closing in on her but she felt paralyzed by the burns she already had. But she had to get out somehow. She had to defeat her burns. She had to defeat death. Ray-er! Ray-er! Ray-er! No sound could have been more welcoming to Emmy’s ears. The sirens of the fire trucks gave her the strength to roll to the center of the opening, to give the firefighters the most time possible to save her. Emmy felt great pain when her burns rubbed against the soon-to-be burned rug. She smelt smoke, ashes, and her own sweat, but something strange was happening- even as she saw the fire burning, felt her face sweating, the smell was dimming. Emmy could only see flames, ready to eat her up, and then a helmeted face, and then nothing. The book would be mainly about her trying to get back to a normal life with her burns and loss of one of her senses (haven't decided which, yet) Or i this a better plot: After that chilly day of February 29th 2004, my father would never be able to see again. My sister would never be able to hear again. My brother would never be able to walk again. My mother would never be able to live again. And none of us would ever be able to be the same again. And all this because the roads were a little too icy, a little too rough. Because the guardrails were a little too rickety, and the driver behind us was a little too drunk. All this because our fates were a little too close, and none of us could stop it. One year later, on March 1st, I was sitting in my room, crying over a picture of Mom, beautiful and radiant, ready to see her. I took out the sh I am a girl, but I'll definately check out your book. I like those kind of books a lot. I'm 13, by the way. Thanks!

Public Comments

1. I am a writer myself I won three trophies in high school for my writing and now i publish books, i write horror novels, but in your case you write beautifully, minor mistakes, but you are very specific on the characters and on what they are thinking and doing, like a pro, i don't know how old you are but keep it up and you are going to be good. The plot of the story, the big part you wrote seems nice, but try to fill it up with more problems and challenges for the main character, we don't want the adventure to be so easy, but other than that good job. By the way, i don't entirely suggest you read my book because i think you are a girl and my book is about zombies and apocalypse like books. But if you want to check it out, its Dead City By Joe Mckinney, yep that's me, hope this helps.