Free Garden Catalogs - What do you think about my novel?

What do you think about my novel?

For a little while I thought, that everything was going to be ok. That it would be normal again. That mom and dad would stop fighting and screaming to each other, and we would be a happy family. I was wrong. It was one of those gloomy days. It was cloudy and grey, but the air was so thick that you could hardly breath. I took a deep breath, forcing my lungs to take that in. My grandmother and me were driving to her house. It was in Doublet. I was going to live with her ‘till mom and dad had figured out what was going to happen. But I knew the truth deep inside me. I wasn’t going back. When we arrived to my grandmother’s house, I was shocked over how beautiful her house was. “Wow,” I whispered, but loud enough for her to hear. “Isn’t she sparkling?” She said, marveled. I was marveled too. The house was light blue. Looking like a fairytale in the gloom weather. In the sweet, little garden there were beautiful flowers, everywhere. Roses, hyacinths, tulips, and few other flowers I couldn’t name. “If you love this, you’ll love your room,” Grand said, smugly. I smiled. “I can’t wait to see it!” I said, excited. When I saw my room, I was shocked. I looked at Grand first, and looked at my room. I gasped, “Grand!” I half-shrieked. She laughed quietly. My room was … amazing. I had tears in my eyes. “Oh, grand.” I murmured. “Nothing to thank me for, Vera,” she said, but I turned to her and I could see her eyes sparkling. “Thank you, so much.” I said gratefully, and hugged her. “I’ll leave you alone, honey. I’ll give you a shout when it is dinner,” she said and left my room. My. Room. My room was had a soft, light lavender color. With white furniture, it made average room looking bigger. The bed was white, and had three shelves underneath, and it had a soft, lavender colored flower bedding – matching the flower imprint on the whole bed. Beside it was a nightstand, with a pink rose in a vase. In front of it, it was a picture of me when I was younger. I was sitting on a floor, smiling happily. I smiled with my younger self. I hadn’t changed much, I realized. I still had that baby looking face. It was still small, with soft features. My almost black-brown eyes matched my brown skin. It looked a little bit darker then an olive skin tone. My black hair was long - it has always been long. It was layered, even then. I sat on my bed, looking over my entire room. It had a bookshelf on the right side of the wall. It was taller then what I probably was, but smaller then the room. It was almost empty, expect for some pictures of my grandmother and me. I looked to the left, and discovered a vanity; it was also imprinted with flowers, beautiful roses. It had a mirror behind it, big enough to reflect the big bookshelf. I looked outside my window; it had a pretty view of some mountains and a sea. I inhaled the fresh air inside my room. I went and packed out my stuff. It hadn’t been a lot from first place, so it didn’t take a long time. I placed my books on the bookshelf, and some butterfly ornaments. After that I went on my clothes, placing everything in order under the bed. Satisfied, I went down stairs, eager to spend some time with my grandmother. “Honey?” I heard grandma’s soft voice over me. “Time to wake up. It’s school, beautiful,” she said. “Okay,” I whispered groggy. She went away, as the perfect person as she is. I quickly went up out of bed. Brushed my teeth, and combed my silky hair. I put on off-white, long sleeved shirt. It was laced and underneath I had a sweet heart top. With my favorite skinny jeans, I thought I looked pretty. Nervously I put on a leather jacket and went to the first day of school. They were all very nice. Greeting me and saying hello, and I quickly found out who the jerk was and who the nice one was. The one that I thought was pretty okay: was Jay. He had a nice, tousled black hair. His style was casual, rather screaming casual then “I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror”. But he was the nicest ones. None of the girls were really … nice to me. The boys had only found me attractive, and something to flirt with. While Jay … He really cared about me. He quickly became my best and only friend. But it was one boy that really stood out. He was always alone. Even the girls let him be alone. He was very mysterious and he looked exotic. He didn’t fit in some how. Not that I really did either. I blushed of the thought. I was taking a short cut, through the woods so that I could get faster to grandma. Suddenly I heard a branch snapped. I quickly turned around, confused. “Who their?” I said, asking the stranger. “Knock, knock,” a deep voice said. I didn’t answer. I waited for the deep voice to show his face. “Aren’t you supposed to answer, my darling?” He said. His deep voice was soft. “Who’s there?” I asked with my teeth gritted. “Arnold.” He answered, and suddenly a boy, probably the same age as me jumped down from a tree. I'm only thirteen, what do you think? Be honest.

Public Comments

To be honest it does need work and it is cliche, parents fight so she lives with her grandma. She will probably go to school and meet a nice boy and yeah, ive seen it hundreds of times. But for a thirteen year old, it's good. I think you need to work on your detail a little bit, and your paragraphs jump all over the place, but it's good so far, you just need to work and work on it.
For your age it is actually pretty good, but you need to be careful with some of your punctuation and sentence structure. -When using colons (:) they are usually used when breaking up a sentence or before a list is made, for example "Tonight I would phone up the takeaway and get my usual: fries, pizza and a drink. You usually don't use it in the places that you did. -For future reference there are also semi-colons which are made to break up a sentence when a full-stop will be too "final". For example "But it was the one boy that really stood out; he was always alone. -A new person speaking should be moved onto a new line, and on Word you should press "indent" once after creating a new line. “Grand!” I half-shrieked. She laughed quietly. My room was … amazing. I had tears in my eyes. “Oh, grand.” I murmured. “Nothing to thank me for, Vera,” she said, but I turned to her and I could see her eyes sparkling. -Some of your description could use some improvement. -Ideally, the story should move a little slower. The pace is way too fast and you haven't given us time to get to know your character.