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Please read a few....chapters from my story?

I know it REALLY SUX! But it would be nice if i had a few reviews on it! Btw I'm only 11 years old (I kno the main character is 18 years old, but my cousin is that age and I kind of based the character from him.) PLEASE READ IT!!! Thanx for all of you who do! :D And yes i kno its long, but i would appreciate it if you read it :) One I really wish I could change my decision. I also regret my unfaithful choice. It was a risky decision, but here I am, facing death every second I move, for my unfulfilling idea was completely stupid. But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe—just maybe, that this choice was the right one after all, the choice that not getting my powers at the right time was a good way to go. However, my life was put in grave danger that way. Maybe death is a choice for me anyway. My life has never been perfect; well I will just have to keep dreaming. Powers. At the age of 12, you start developing powers. Powers are a…well power that you develop. But, however, these powers aren’t like Super-Man, or Spider-Man, these are special personal designed powers that are born in your blood. You still are a normal human, but you have a sort of “sixth sense”, as my dad calls it. I’m at the age of eighteen, and I still haven’t developed a single power…at all. This is because when you reach at age eleven, you prepare and get checked by certain medical persons, and they decide when your powers are going to start to be developed, and it isn’t just a guess. They give you an exact date on when you’ll acquire that gift. And they had to hold me back on the process to get my powers. It’s very…embarrassing. I’m not going into details, but I do get picked on for this. But, not everyone gets powers…at all. “You will develop them---in the next seven months, Mr. Bradshaw.” Dr. Pavlov said looking at his clipboard, then to me. I was in the section on the hospital where you get checked for powers. I didn’t care where. “I’d say you’d keep it cool, a couple of weeks from now you will get a letter saying the date when you develop. Sorry to keep you waiting so long.” He said. “It’s okay, I’ve waited years for this day, I’m sure I can wait a few more months.” I said in a limited laugh. “Okay, you’re free to go.” He chuckled. I sauntered out of the white room. “So, when?” I heard dad ask as I walked seamlessly to the waiting room. “Seven more months.” I grumbled. I was practically lying to the doctor. “Well, you can survive.” Mom mouthed, then patting me on the back. “I guess.” I said, rolling my eyes. 1. My family…is the ordinary, all of the above type of family—except me. My dad, he works at a fitness program company and co-owns it. His confidant friend is the original owner, they both work out there also…every day in matter of fact. I don’t stay in touch with him a lot, I barley even see him a day. His power is mostly concerned on weight. He can also have visions on seeing images on a person’s past life. It’s sort of like reading minds, but different on seeing images rather than hearing. Mom…she works at a floral shop, just down the street. She hands out the flowers, plus she is like special at gardening. Flowers are mostly her personality, nothing much about mom. Her power is all about…well gardening. Yeah…that’s pretty weird isn’t it? But it’s the way it is, I guess. I really don’t actually know if mom has a power, I think it’s just her personality to garden… She never told me. My younger brother, Jeff, who’s fifteen, takes much on dad’s side. Let’s face it, he is more muscular than me, better looks, tanner, gets the girls (which every time I think of that I just roll my eyes), smart, and is…so called “popular”. That explains most of him. The only think that bugs me the most is having a brother who is more mature than me. He has powers, which is a shock-energy power, born in his blood to do it. Not surprised. I don’t really get it though. Oh, and me? The scrawny, little un-popular, not fit, or any of what Jeff got. I’m practically jealous of him, to be honest. We rode home from the hospital, getting ready to move to a new destination. My dad’s co-company is moving, so we must as well. He’s taking most of the equipment along with him; mom is also going to make a business of her own, being a florist. Moving to a new location. Yippee. “Chris!” Mom called unexpectedly to me. “I need your help lifting some of these boxes! They’re unbelievably heavy!” Mom groaned. Yeah, like I could help, as helpless as I am. I thought, as I jogged to mom to “try” to help. “Where’s Jeff?” I asked while I panted. “He’s helping your father getting the exercise equipment downtown.” She said loading her flowers into the moving van, packed in loads of bubble-wrap around on all of her flower vases, then lays it in a box that said: Caution. FRAGILE “Of course.” I said rolling my eyes. I grabbed a box of her cookb

Public Comments

1. you shouldn't post this much of your writing on the internet, someone might attempt to publish it themselves. I think it was pretty good actually, though. Will you please read mine and comment on it? It's my latest question, just go to my profile click my questions and read it. Thanks!
2. It's really good. A few spelling errors (sorry, forgot where they are) but not bad. Just one comment: I think you should put the name of the main character which is Chris at the beginning so you get a sense of what the character's name is, cause you wanna know who you're reading about don't you? well, that's my only comment cause it's GREAT! really great!
3. i think is good.. keep the creative juice flowing
4. Ok, being 11 I can see that you have talent. But you have yet to learn advanced composition and grammar. Grammar is the key mistake people make because there are so many rules. One example is that I noticed you like to put ... a lot. Those three dots signify an omission. So if your sentence reads, "My family…is the ordinary", that doesn't have an omission, thus the three dots should be removed. Next, try using Microsoft Word. It can automatically check for spelling errors and fragments. Do not forget indentions per paragraph. When someone 'talks' make sure to do this: "Of course," I said. Notice the comma. Do not put a comma if you have an exclamation point, question mark, or hyphen at the end of the spoken sentence. Only include a period when you do not have any following text, such as: "Of course." One thing, when speaking in first person ( "I", "We"), try not to describe things by using second person ( "You"). When trying to describe something to someone, it is best to use (Someone, One, A person, etc) instead of (You). You can also use (He, She, They, Them) to describe something about someone. ---- Those are some short pointers- all of which you will learn as you get older and take more prominent composition classes. I encourage you to take a creative writing class or join your school's newspaper or yearbook. ---- Lastly, I will say you have a good basis so far. You need to redo part the beginning paragraph. It has too many short, quick sentences. It makes me rush through it.
5. Hi, I'm an aspiring author too (whose real age is 18) and I know how hard it can be. You're doing great. Now lets get down to the Nitty Gritty stuff. One I really wish I could change my decision. AND 1. My family... So which of these is the real chapter one? I think One should be the prologue. You did great there. As a writer you should capture the attention of your audience, and you did! (Had me hooked at least-lol) I take it your a fan of sci-fi, and either manga or comic books. This is probably where you draw your inspiration from, right? Next, I think you should keep your idea original by specifying the types of powers. For example, you said they weren't like Super-Man or Spider-Man, yet the father has strength. Oh, and I think you should limit the amount of power you give to each person. Too much could mean an easy victory for the protagonist (the good guy) instead of an edge-of-your-seat battle that makes the readers want the good guy to win despite the unlikelyhood. How are the powers given? Is it a virus that is injected? Who are the other people that do not receive powers? Why? I sense some sibling rivalry. Does that make Jeff the antagonist (the bad guy)? How are you going to make Chris over come his jealousy? In what ways is Chris better than Jeff? Lastly, where's the rest?!!